i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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