you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
