time to smoke my breakfast
worst night to have a conscience
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
