Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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