Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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