I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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