his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
