Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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