Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
