So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
