I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize