I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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