I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
