I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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