you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
