I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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