i was born a porn star she said
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize