do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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