Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
