oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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