i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize