I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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