How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize