I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
