plz talk dirty to me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize