I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
