I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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