I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
