and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
