On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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