Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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