Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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