at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
