I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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