Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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