Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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