I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize