Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
