Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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