I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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