Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
