Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
