two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
