As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
