I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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