im drinking this country out of the recession.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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