If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My dick has a subreddit
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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