If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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