1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
