I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
