I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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