Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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