i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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