I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
