My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
