just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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