remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
