My friends, they love my intelligence
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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